Episode 2
§ Albert: Tell Agent Cooper that Albert and his team are here.
Lucy: Albert?
Albert: A-l-b-e-r-t. Are we going to stand here all afternoon?
Lucy: No.
Albert: Albert Rosenfield. R-o-s-e-n-f-i-e-l-d.
Lucy (over intercom): Is Agent Cooper with you?
Truman: Yes he is.
Cooper (snaps his fingers): Are Albert and his team here, Lucy?
Lucy: Yes. He is. They are.
Lucy (to Albert): Agent Cooper will be right with you.
Albert: Yeah, I can hear perfectly well, Curly.
Lucy sticks out her tongue at his back.
................. Albert: What the hell kind of a two-bit operation are they running out of this tree house, Cooper? I have seen some slipshod backwater burgs but this place takes the cake. What are you waiting for? Christmas? We’ve got work to do, damn it, they’re putting this girl in the ground tomorrow and we’ve wasted half the day traveling out to the middle of no where.”
Cooper: Results from the local pathologist’s report.
Albert: Welcome to amateur hour.

§ Doc Hayward: Have you no compassion?
Albert: I’ve got compassion running out of my nose, pal. I’m the sultan of sentiment. Dr. Hayward, I have traveled thousands of miles, and apparently several centuries, to this forgotten sinkhole in order to perform a series of tests. Now, I do not ask you to understand these tests- I am not a cruel man- I just ask you to get the hell out of my way so I can do my work, is that clear?
.......
I’ve got a lot of cutting and pasting to do gentlemen, so why don’t you return to your porch rockers and resume whittling?
.......
Please, Cooper. I do not suffer fools gladly, and fools with badges, never. I want no interference from this hulking boob, is that clear?
Truman: I’ve had just about enough of your insults.
Albert: Oh yeah? Well I’ve had about enough of morons and halfwits, dolts, dunces, dullards and dumbbells. And you, chowderhead yokel, you blithering hayseed, you’ve had just about enough of me?
Truman Yes, I have. (Truman's punch sends Albert flying onto Laura Palmer's autopsy table.)
Albert: Oh, that’s nice, how appropriate, the old rustic sucker punch, huh? A hail of bullets would be nice!
Cooper: That’s enough.
Albert: He HIT me!
Cooper: Well, I’m sure he meant to do that.

Episode 3
§ Albert: distinctive wounds found on Laura’s neck and shoulder appear to be claw marks, bites of some kind.
Truman: An animal?
Albert: Look. It’s trying to think. Finally, a small plastic fragment from her stomach partially dissolved by digestive acids- I’m taking it back to the lab for reconstruction as the local facilities give new meaning to the word ‘primitive’....
Cooper: Murder is not a faceless event here. It is not a statistic to be tallied up at the end of the day. Laura Palmer’s death has affected each and every man woman and child because life has meaning here- every life. That’s a way of living I thought had vanished from the earth but it hasn’t, Albert, it’s right here in Twin Peaks.
Albert: Sounds like you’ve been snacking on some of the local mushrooms.

Episode 8
§ Andy steps on a loose board and catches a plank in the face.
Albert: And it’s another great moment in law enforcement history.

§ Albert: One of your principal suspects is killed in his hospital bed and the other is shot in his living room. You tell me- vigilante justice or just clean country living?
Cooper: Albert, where does this attitude of general unpleasantness come from?
Albert: I’ll have to get back to you on that.
Cooper: Well, if you don’t want two black eyes on a regular basis I suggest you make some kind of peace with rural life.
Albert: Great. After the square dance maybe we can all take a hay ride.
Cooper: Andy! How’s the nose?
Andy: Not a mark on it! Only blood squirted out!
Albert: Where do they keep his water dish?..... Woof!

§ Truman, Cooper and Albert watch Bobby Briggs saunter out of the hospital.
Cooper: What’s HE doing here?
Truman: He doesn’t look sick.
Albert: Sheriff Truman- to see this kind of investigative genius at work- it’s just a real treat for me.
Pausing in the hall, Albert stands off to one side, grimacing at his coffee as Big Ed relates the story of how he shot out Nadines eye during a hunting trip. Albert struggles to keep a smirk off his face.
They walk away.
Cooper: Poor Ed. Poor Nadine.
Truman: Yeah.
Albert, mimicking Truman with a smirk: Yeah!
Cooper: Albert, why don’t you take this opportunity to check into the Great Northern?

§ Back at the station house, Andy sobs quietly as Cooper pieces the gruesome events leading up to Laura Palmer’s murder.
Albert: I know, Andy, I know, I know. It’s what we call a real three hanky crime.
Andy: Albert Roserfeld (sic), I don’t like the way you talk smart about Sheriff Truman or anybody! You just shut your mouth!
Andy stomps out.
Lucy looks decidedly smug.

Episode 9
§ Cooper delivers an enthusiastic description of the colorful history of the spiritual journey of ancient Tibetans over coffee.
Albert: Cooper, I’m thrilled to pieces that the Darma came to King Ho-Ho-Ho, I really am, but right now I’m trying hard to focus on the more immediate problems of our own century right here in Twin Peaks.
Cooper: Albert, you’d be surprised at the connection between the two.
Albert: Color me amazed.
Cooper: Ronette Pulaski has woken from her coma. I’m thinking she’s going to have quite a story to tell when she regains the ability to speak... I’m going to show her sketches of ... Bob, the man... who came to me in my dream.
Albert: Has anyone seen ‘Bob’ on earth in the last few weeks?
Cooper: No, not yet.
Albert: Okay. I performed the autopsy on Jacques Renault. Stomach contents revealed, let’s see- beer cans, a Maryland license plate, half a bicycle tire, a goat and a small wooden puppet- goes by the name of Pinnochio.
Cooper: You’re making a joke!
Albert: I like to think of myself as one of the ‘Happy Generations’.... How do you feel?
Cooper: Me?
Albert: I believe it’s customary to ask after the health of one recently plugged three times.
Cooper: Thanks for asking.
Albert: Don’t get sentimental.
Cooper: Who shot me Albert?
Albert: My men are interrogating the hotel guests- the usual bumper crop of rural no-nothings and drunken fishermen. Nothing so far. Oh, the world’s most decrepit room service waiter remembers nothing out of the ordinary about the night in question. No surprise there. Sènore Drool Cup, shall we say, has a mind that wanders.

Episode 10
§ Truman: You were visited by a giant?
Albert: Any relation to the dwarf?
Truman: So, what did this giant sound like? I mean, did he have a big booming voice, or what?
Cooper: No. He spoke softly, distinctly.
Albert: And you gave him the beans you were supposed to use to buy a cow?
Cooper: No, Albert, I gave him my ring.
Albert: Okay, confining my conclusions to the planet earth... [Jacques] worked with Leo Johnson, currently appearing at Calhoun Medical Hospital as Mr. Potato Head... The letter B from Ronette’s finger was cut from Flesh World- it’s a perfect match. This particular edition features swingers clubs for Standard Poodle enthusiasts, no comment. We sent a portrait of your long-haired man to every agency from Nassau to DEA and came up empty. This cat is in nobody’s data base.
Cooper: A man that four of us had seen right here in Twin Peaks.
Albert: Sure.
Truman: Anything we should be working on?
Albert: Yeah. You might practice walking without dragging your knuckles on the ground.
Cooper: Albert! Let’s talk about knuckles...!
Albert: While I will admit to a certain cynicism, the fact is that I’m a nay-sayer and a hatchetman in the fight against violence. I pride myself in taking a punch and I’ll gladly take another because I choose to live my life in the company of Ghandi and King. My concern is global. I reject, absolutely, revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love. I love you, Sheriff
Truman.... Cooper: Albert’s path is a strange and difficult one.

Episode 22
§ Dismissed by Sheriff Truman Bobby passes Albert on his way out.
Albert: Get a life, punk!
Albert and Harry share a back slapping hug.
Albert steps back and gazes at Cooper’s plaid shirt.
Albert: Coop? About the uniform.
Cooper: Yes, Albert?
Albert: Replacing the quiet elegance of the dark suit and tie with the casual indifference of these muted earth tones is a form of fashion suicide, but- call me crazy- on you, it works.
Cooper: Thank you, Albert.

Episode 23
§ Albert: This is the bullet we removed from you. This is the bullet that was excavated from the dead man’s skull. Same bullets. Same gun. Same killer. Let’s go get her.
Cooper: Albert- hold your horses.
Albert: Coop, I appreciate any reluctance you might have for busting your pal’s old lady but the woman ventilated you and left you for dead.
Cooper: Albert, I don’t take that personally...I’ll talk to her. Maybe she’ll confess, turn herself in.
Albert: Maybe she’ll grow wings and join the circus

JEFFRIES: It was a dream. We live inside a dream.
ALBERT: And it's raining Post Toasties.
-Post Toasties TP Dream site